This friend of mine is a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat and we've had arguments that lasted for hours, which only usually ended after we were served pints of Guinness and shots of Jameson Irish Whiskey. However, aside from excellent tastes in booze, one other thing that we share in common is our utter disdain, no, contempt, for those that call themselves members of the Alternative Right.
The following is an epic open letter/rant that he had written for such people. Enjoy.
By the way, in case the title didn't give it away, unlike what I normally write, this will be laden with profanity. So, if that sort of thing bothers you, stop reading. But really, you should keep reading.
You know, I keep hearing a lot of alleged "true Americans" wailing and sniveling about how it's the "end of America!" because a transgender woman was named Woman of The Year, because people want to voice displeasure with the criminal justice system, because the music that is popular today doesn't sound like the music that was popular when they were younger, because you don't like the way kids dance these days, because economic opportunities aren't what they used to be, because we're finally starting to have frank conversations about race and gender issues.
You, sir and/or ma'am, are un-American as fuck.
In 1914 when the elders told their kids that all that all their lazing about, listening to Irving Berlin on the gramophone and talking to their friends on that newfangled telephone would be the downfall of America, they stood up and proceeded to punch influenza in the dick all the while stabbing the Kaiser in the face. And after they came home they weathered the worst economic depression the nation ever saw and responded by building the fucking Hoover Dam.
In the fall of 1941 when those WWI vets were telling all those goddamn kids that were Lindy Hopping to Glenn Miller, prancing about in zoot suits, and driving their tricked out Studebakers were going to be the end of America because they had never faced hardship; they laced up their sidesaddles, put the fedora in the closet and stormed the beaches of fucking Normandy to punch a German-wannabe Austrian in the face harder than their grandparents EVER did. And when that wasn’t enough they fought an entirely DIFFERENT nation and whooped ass all across the Pacific, and when THAT wasn’t enough they used the pinnacles of science, technology, and engineering to create the most fearsome weapon the world STILL has ever seen. Then they made two of the fuckers. Then they took five, desegregated the Armed Forces and invaded Korea like it owed us money.
And after that generation, the next one was told that they didn’t rate shit! That they were just riding easy on their parents' hard work. So they got up and damn near eliminated polio, took the building-sized computers and shrunk them to fit in a room, decided that it wasn’t really cool to treat people with a darker skin color like second class citizens and told those assholes exactly how they could go fuck themselves when they tried to keep a little girl from getting her education. Then they took a breather and decided to split up, so one group decided to go fight some commies in the jungle all while creating and refining the medical, technological, transportation marvels that keep your ass alive in a helicopter while receiving blood products today. Another group got bored so they PUT A FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON THE FUCKING MOON! Then they developed a pen that could write in space so the Russians could go fuck themselves with the pencils they used that cause fatal fires, which you really don't want to happen when you're out in motherfucking space. Then they took that pen and put it in the glove box of the 4-wheeler that WE ALSO PUT ON THE MOON. And while those two groups were busy, a third group got busy building the art, music, social, educational, and environmental movements that were so fucking good they defined the WORLD and led to everything from the guitar solo to the discovery of DNA. And when those groups finally took a break from listening to Jimi Hendrix on the moon, they made Generation X and promptly told those slackers that they were a national embarrassment who would be the end of us all!
And how did they respond? They took everything the Boomers did and made it 200 times better, and 300 times faster. They created mobile phones that were actually mobile, stabbed smallpox in the face so fucking hard that it doesn’t dare come around anymore, looked at those adorable Apollo capsules and thought, “What if that bitch had some wings and could hold enough people for a party?” So they made it so! Then they put a telescope in that fucker and launched it into space because land-based telescopes are for suckers. After that was done, they refined the technology that is present today in everything from your iPhone to your pacemaker, boosted the economy, made Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Back to The Future, increased access to education and healthcare, began killing terrorists while the current generation was nothing more than a morning-after worry (although less so since the previous generation decided to invent hormonal birth control), and spread so much goddamn FREEDOM around the world that a fucking wall collapsed in Berlin and Mikhail Gorbachev popped smoke so hard his entire system of government went home with wet undies. And when those hard chargers started blasting ABBA and getting down to loving more than just freedom, they gave rise to this generation. And they haven’t stopped bitching since.
So how did the Millennial/ Generation Y (Gen Y only starts a few years before the Millennial generation) respond? We saw your Hoover Dam and made a Wi-fi connected solar farm that runs remotely. WiFi? Oh. Right. We took all of the technological advancements in radio frequencies, networking, data infrastructure, and computing and made it so fast, compact, and reliable that the seemingly technologically impossible robots of the future are now used to clean our fucking floors. We’ve increased our education and intelligence so much that if we used the same IQ scale those WWI warriors used, the number would be so goddamn high we would have to invent a NEW scale just to mark it. And we would. Using the phones we created that are hundreds of times more powerful than what was used to put that 4-wheeler on the moon. Oh, and that moon rover? It’s nice, but we made another one. A bigger one. And its full of scientific equipment. Autonomous equipment. Oh, and we put it on Mars and made it take a selfie that it posted automatically on the software platform that someone designed FOR FUN!
The current generation has fought the longest wars in American history, and while we didn’t get to nuke Baghdad or conduct a beach landing in Kabul, we killed so many terrorists that we got bored and found a way for some Airman to do it remotely out of an office in fucking Nebraska. FUCKING. NEBRASKA.
Our current generation has created a world where a robot can remotely remove a tumor from inside of your body using existing holes, and the surgeon operating it can collaborate with other surgeons around the world IN REAL TIME. And when those surgeons are done they can play a video game on their tiny HD pocket computers designed by a 10 year old while they poop.
Our generation consists of public school kids who get to send their science fair experiments to the goddamn INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION and have them generate real data. Our generation is learning that by using the building blocks of others we can create such amazing and fantastic things that it will stun even the most cynical of people. And then we do it. And we make it WiFi enabled and fucking rechargeable because we care about the goddamned planet.
Our generation is finally making it a point to bring about that equality espoused by that glorious piece of paper that we call the Constitution. And we've decided that maybe we shouldn’t be raging assholes to people who are different anymore. And we've espoused these views with words written in electricity on screens made from fantastic materials all transmitted at the speed of light from the farthest reaches of space. We're a generation that is taking the best of the past and making it even better to continue to make this country, and the world, the greatest fucking thing ever.
So if you’re mad that Caitlyn Jenner gets press, fine. If you’re mad that the emblem of a failed treasonous rebellion is finally being taken down, fine. If you’re mad that the music and dancing of today’s kids confuse you, fine. If you're mad that people who don't have the same skin tone as you and the same genitals are beginning to be more assertive, fine. Because this country wasn’t built by people who thought the country was good enough. It was built by people who looked around and said, “Yeah, this place is fucking awesome. But how can we make it better?”
If you don’t want to lend a hand and just want to bitch about how everything is going to hell, then that’s fine too. The rest of us will pick up your slack, just like we have for the last 240 years.