Friday, June 20, 2014

The Perfect Prime Minister

Author’s Note: The following is a work of satire that was inspired by an article that was written in The Wall Street Journal. It should NOT be taken seriously. If you do not have a sense of humor, you should stop reading this right now.

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President Park seems to be having quite a tough time nominating her next Prime Minister. And it is a shame that such a mess is being made about appointing someone to a position that is largely ceremonial and devoid of any real political power. The Prime Minister’s chief reason for being has always seemed to act as the fall guy whenever the government does something wrong. After all, Korea has had eight prime ministers since 2004.

President Park’s first nominee for the position, Ahn Dae-hee, withdrew himself after it was discovered that he was quite rich.

Never mind that there seems to be no evidence to suggest that he has done anything illegal or that he has shown himself to be a man of integrity who does not let himself be blinded by political ideology. During his time as a state prosecutor, he helped to prosecute both the Grand National Party (the precursor to the Saenuri Party) for illegal campaign funding and against President Roh Moo-hyun’s election team for election fraud.

The lesson is clear. No rich people need apply. After all, as everyone knows, being rich is clearly a sign of pure evil.

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Then President Park nominated a man who, for all intents and purposes, does not seem ready for prime time. Among Moon Chang-keuk’s growing list of... faux pas, the former editor-in-chief of the Joongang Daily, has said on record that Japan should not apologize to Korea over the “comfort women” issue. On top of that, he also said that the Japanese occupation of Korea and the partitioning of the Korean peninsula was “God’s will.” Oh and something about the people of Joseon (the Korean kingdom that existed prior to the Japanese occupation and the subsequent division of the peninsula into North and South Korea) had laziness incorporated into their DNA and how it was Christianity that helped Koreans overcome their laziness.

What a charming fellow. Credit should be given where it is due. He’s certainly a maverick. He’s got that going for him, at least. And he’s certainly not as rich as Ahn Dae-hee but he doesn’t have any political experience. Definitely not cut out for prime time. So the second lesson is this – No inexperienced people, no matter how poor or how mavericky, need apply.

Not even if you're as dreamy as Tom Cruise.
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But it’s not just the Prime Minister. Kim Jeong-hoon, a Korean-American citizen (who was willing to give up his US citizenship) who was a former president of Bell Labs, was appointed to fill the newly created post of Minister of Future Creation and Science. In order to show his commitment, he was willing to donate up to ₩100 billion in expatriation taxes. The opposition party made a huge stink about him, however, because of his dual-citizenship. He was also accused of being a spy and his wife was associated with a brothel. He did the smart thing and decided to call it quits and headed back to the United States.

Another lesson learned. No smart American with tons of relevant experience need apply.

Surely Americans in Korea have seen these signs on occasion by now?
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So here is what we know about who is not fit to be Prime Minister:
  • No rich people.
  • No mavericks.
  • No inexperienced people.
  • No smart people.
  • No Americans.

In that case, the only kind of people that are fit for that office are:
  • Poor people.
  • Yes Men.
  • Experienced people.
  • Stupid people.
  • Non-Americans.

Well, if President Park is willing to consider the suggestions of a humble blogger, I have the perfect candidate in mind for the next Prime Minister. I nominate Adolf Hitler! It’s the only logical choice.

He might need a little image update though.
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Well, let’s think about it. Hitler was born into a very poor family. So we know for a fact that he understands the plight of the working poor. And this is paramount to picking a political leader – a man who has first hand experience in what it’s like to be poor.

To use an analogy, can we really trust an AIDS researcher to have a clue about what he is doing if he himself has never suffered from AIDS? Of course we can’t! Similarly, we cannot expect a rich man to even have the most basic understanding of what it’s like to be poor or even middle class. Hitler was born poor AND he was a struggling artist. If that doesn’t speak to the millennials, nothing will.

And of course he has a lot of experience! Hello? He was the Führer of Germany for eleven years. Even the most recent Korean presidents’ experience in running a country is a mere five years. Hitler has the kind of political experience that money can’t buy.

What about being stupid? Of course Hitler is stupid! Who else goes to war against the Russians and the Americans at the same damned time? You would think that Napoleon’s experience in Russia would have served as a great lesson about never invading Russia when it is cold. But he did it anyway.

He was a Class A Idiot.
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Most importantly, he’s not American. Sure, he’s not Korean either but that’s totally fine. At least he’s not from Southeast Asia, unlike some unspeakable people! Surely people have not forgotten how vitriolic and racist some people got when Jasmine Lee won a seat in the National Assembly? Anyway, I can’t imagine how the fact that he’s German will go down badly.

Another bonus – he hates, and I mean absolutely abhors, communists.  Take that, North Korea!

Yes, he forged an alliance with Hirohito and that might cause some people to get a bit upset.  So we should not bring that up too often. As long as we steer away from the fact that Hitler and Hirohito were allies, and focus on the more positive aspects, I think Hitler might turn out to be a great Prime Minister. Hell, I know at least one person in Busan will think so.

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And women voters will love him, too! Say what you will, but the Nazis had some really spiffy uniforms and we all know that women love men in spiffy uniforms. Besides, there is an entire sexual fetish dedicated to Nazis! Is there a sexual fetish for democratically elected middle aged men? I didn’t think so.

Yes, this movie actually exists.
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Now, admittedly, nominating Hitler for the position of Prime Minister is not without its hurdles. For one thing, he is dead. And there’s not even a body that we can dig up somewhere. But that’s the beauty of it all! He’ll be the one political leader whom no one will see, and above all else, or hear from. He will not do a damned thing. And who wouldn’t love that?

But if we really need someone to fill the role, we can always hire this guy. And he already has his own catchy theme song.

So, three cheers for Adolf Hitler! Hip hip hooray!

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